YCAC captain “Slow” Joe Fisher has confided to me that it never fails to unnerve him when 45 minutes before matches he sees our opponents undergoing organized and thorough warm-ups with large squads while he is reduced to counting heads and trying to work out how to reshuffle the team to accommodate the handful of players who haven’t turned up. However, despite the well-documented issues with timeliness that many YCAC players suffer from on Sunday mornings the team nearly always performs once the whistle blows and thankfully this match ended up being no exception.

The star of the show for YCAC was veteran halfback Dougal “Big Daddy White Serevi” Robertson who rolled back the years in this match to score a hat-trick of tries and show glimpses of the form that made him the YCAC Player of Decade (2000 – 2009). (The fact that I have just made this award up should not diminish in the least any pride Doogs feels in receiving it.) Given that he has a French wife and a suspiciously French-sounding son (Gaspard) this was also an exceptionally brave performance from the White Serevi – he probably got rewarded with a baguette over the head for his efforts when he got home.

In addition to Doogs, our ‘Super Size Me’ Americans (prop Erich “Freezer” Friess, prop “Big” Luke Raimo and No. 8 Aran “Two Inches” Delaney) all had strong games. Aran and Luke both scored tries and were said to have celebrated after the game by ordering extra helpings of “Freedom” fries to go with their cheeseburgers. Erich of course did not score a try. However, he did immensely enjoy the physical contest at scrum-time with his opposite number (All France captain Matt Rosenberg) and a bit of argy-bargy with the only other guy in the All France team that he knows (lock Matthieu Vignaud) and for Freezer that is as good as a try.

Our ‘Regular’ size Americans were also prominent with flanker Brimman “Brutus” Frazer making plenty of strong runs on attack and winger Chris “The Alpha Male” Mander scoring an excellent try down the sideline. Unfortunately, this match was the final game at YCAC for Brimman and Chris who are leaving these shores to pursue their dream of living together on a ranch in Kazakhstan. YCAC will miss you guys for your consistent performances week-in and week-out but we wish you crazy cowboys all the best for your new life(style)!

However, as so often happens, at the same time as we were farewelling the Californian couple we were welcoming a new player – NZ lock Sam “Tall Timber” Stephens – to plug the gap. (Although we hope for his own health that young Sam won’t be plugging every gap that Mander and Frazer did during their time in Tokyo). Freezer Friess was especially welcoming of Sam, figuring that with so few games left in the season he had found a fellow bagel-eater in the tight forwards. You can imagine his disappointment then when the big Kiwi dotted down mere minutes after making his debut for YCAC …

Hunter Hemingway

Avid readers will have noted the wheeling out by my older brother (Hunter Hemingway) of the classic literary device of “a single incident occurs on a rugby field that is so momentous that all other events of the day fade into insignificance + dedicatory poem”. This cunning technique has been deployed by my big bro’ on no less than two occasions in the last few months to avoid having to report the dreary details of what actually occurred. And yet, since my recollection of what actually transpired during the latest game on Sunday was dulled by an unfortunate blow to the head, sadly I must continue my brother’s trend of journalistic dereliction of duty. I should note that bro’ Hunter has the glory of a much more fashionable Christian name than me, bless our mother’s soul – but I shall try not to live forever in his quite considerable shadow.

You will recall that it was Nike who provided inspiration for last week’s write-up of the 1sts (and the aforementioned poem)… fittingly Nike also stimulated this week’s write-up of the Gents by reminding me that the oppo Koganei were in fact a kind of “amalgam” of Gentle Giants and Koganei. I will therefore resort to reaching back into the annals (well, last year at least) to the most recent previous YCAC fixtures against GG and Koganei (Gents wins of 27-22 and 50-14, respectively – played in similar weather and conveniently not too different from Sunday’s result) to see if a “random text merger” (using some new Hemingway family word-processing software) of those two previous match reports might provide a few meaningful insights. The wonders of modern technology! As a result of you will see 13 different names on the scoresheet and a melange of literary styles and some mildly satisfying gibberish.

Oh, and for those that are interested in what actually happened in this year’s match vs GG/Koganei, it was as follows… basically the well-worn story of the unprepared unwarmed up Gents supplemented by 1s on powerboosters falling behind 0-14 in the first half, facing not only a fast keen young all-Japanese side but also the unseasonably freezing wind and rain in our faces, before we woke up and cruised to victory with a 40 point unanswered reversion largely up the jumper with some great battering runs and forward drives and a variety of YCAC powerhouses slamming the ball down over the line at full stretch and the occasional back-line break-through with some metronomic Silver Almost Grant-like Fox conversions. Very satisfactory, in the end, as often.

(Report by Gatherer Hemingway).

On a cold and wet first day of Spring in Japan, the Gents were going to be anything but gentle but knew that the Gentle Giants were facing a side that had not only beaten the Crusaders but also contrived to put together an entertaining display of dry-weather rugby in a match which probably would have been cancelled if we still had the old grass pitch. YCAC’s artificial pitch showed one of its merits by allowing the home side to throw them out of the Shuto League.

Pre-match preparations were disrupted with Tristan failing to turn up due to the previous evening’s drinking session with Kyoko in Roppongi. Although the presence of Spring was not apparent in the weather, there were other tell-tale signs. Before any of you conjure up a mental image of Kyoko breast-feeding The Vicar’s infant son at the bar in Paddy Foley’s, it showed on the scoreboard with fullback Chris “The Voice” Mander (23), flanker Will “Crowbar” Whetstone (21), and replacement flanker Callum “The Caucasian” Snowball (16) all touching down during the match, before unselfishly feeding inside to Snowball to finish the movement off. We are in fact talking about Tristan “I Can’t Make Up My Mind Whether To Play For YCAC Or Crusaders Next Week: Can’t I Play For Both At The Same Time?” Fahy. Within 60 seconds of kick-off, the Gentle Giants lived up to their reputation. For example, YCAC’s young charges all had a noticeable spring in their step. Okada, our ex-Ireland Schoolboys fly half, then took the ball to within 10 meters of the opposition try line and decided it was a wise idea to give both his own captain and the referee stick during the course of the match. It is not like Dougal to miss tackles so how can it be explained?

Snowball’s try was particularly spectacular – replacement No. 8 Matt “Magpie” Head started the movement by catching a ball on his own 40 meter line from a kick a Koganei back had skewed off the side of his foot. Head drew a defender and passed to prop Daisuke “Silent Assassin” Okada, unmarked on the wing and left shaking his head at such lack of restraint…. Even Ben “Angry Fox” Duncan scored a pacey try in the corner notwithstanding a despairing dive by Dougal Robertson. Or was he simply adjusting his stylish new head gear? Was it Agrophobia from all those wide open spaces at full back?

However, inevitably, some of this youthful excitement boiled over and there were tears before bedtime (as we know the wee man prefers to be hemmed in by those big hairy forwards). Was he pondering how to spend all those billions of dollars that his froggie derivatives trader fiancé had creamed off from SocGen? And the referee is the managing partner of the same firm! In this particular case it was Whetstone who got a little too big for his boots and secured a 12-10 half-time lead for the Gents. Whatever the reason, the Big Names weren’t performing. Although such behaviour is never a wise course of action, it is particularly unwise when your captain is a lawyer at the firm where you are a vacation student. But if you want a Big Player to fill the void, they don’t come bigger than Fraser “Buffalo Bum” Jamieson.

In fact, this proved to be a rather difficult match for referee Steve “The Vicar” Lewis – winning the toss, kicking for touch, distributing to his backs, making breaks and topping it off with a magnificent solo try (followed, of course, by the inevitable “hammy” injury). Taking over the mantle of Gents’ skipper, Fraser put in a tremendous performance – the large proportion of 1st team members playing in this fixture gave him considerably more stick than he usually gets from his mild-mannered Gents. A key example of this was when Vicar politely suggested that Fraser’s try and Joe Fisher’s earlier barn-storming effort were perfect in all respects. The YCAC front row of Okada, Rafi “Crusader” Khan and Erich “Freezer” Friess was warming up on the sideline in preparation for a three minute try-scoring and match-winning cameo for the Firsts. Fortunately for the Gents, Simon “The Legend of Yamate” Ryan started taking it a bit easier on the (obviously weaker) Koganei pack. The response of a push-over try by the world’s biggest touch-judge – Tokyo Gas star Jimmy “Night” Maher, by shear strength of character and oodles of talent, in the next scrum probably wasn’t exactly what Vicar had in mind! Simon darted over the line to put the Gents in the driving seat, keeping in constant communication with Vicar and schooling the YCAC players on the finer points of the laws during breaks in play. Luckily for Vicar, these Gentle Giants were not to be dwarfed and NightMaher proved to be a surprisingly calm and erudite (Jimmy – that means well-educated) touch-judge. For a man well known for his own occasional volleys at referees when in playing kit, Steve Gray blasted over from a 5 metre penalty and Matt Dimond was keeping up his poor run of form on JR line platforms during the trip back into Tokyo.

It was only after the final whistle was blown that Aaron soared in the line-out and Nike was as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar. With three minutes remaining, the true NightMaher came to the fore again – sculling beer and arm-wrestling against bewildered Koganei players prior to next week’s show-down with the Crusaders – before he popped over a 40 metre penalty to put the result beyond doubt. Special mentions also to six of the First Team who demonstrated fantastic Club Spirit in playing for the Gents before the First Team game to ensure that the 100% winning record remains intact.

By “Joe the Vicar”

YCAC 1st Team
If the 2008 and 2009 matches between these two clubs could aptly be described as “heated” then the 2010 encounter would be better termed “frigid”. Not because of any lack of intensity from either side but simply because this game was played on one of the coldest days for rugby that this writer has ever been involved in.

After a 45 minute period leading up to the game which could figuratively (but not literally) be described as a ‘warm-up’ YCAC managed to open the scoring with a couple of penalties to fly-half Ben “Billy Elliot” Patu (who was probably temporarily wanting back the 10 kg ‘insulation’ he has lost in recent months). However, the Tokyo Gaijin hit back with a converted try when they were able to get the ball away from frozen fullback Noah “Pass-a-lot” Pflaum behind the YCAC line. As a guy who has been living in tropical Singapore for the last few years and who has no extra insulation at all it is fair to say that this match was not Noah’s happiest outing. Reports that he still hasn’t emerged from the YCAC sauna are yet to be confirmed but this writer is confident that once he gets himself a decent pair of thermals he will be back to his best and able to burn up the opposition even in the coldest of conditions.

At 7-6 the Gaijin had their tails up but a cunning ploy from lock Stephen “Hang Time” Marcon neutralized the Gaijin’s fervour and ultimately turned the balance of the match in YCAC’s favour. Marcon started passing the word around the YCAC team that one’s testicles give off a greater amount of heat than the rest of one’s body and therefore would be the ideal area for us to place our hands to warm them up during breaks in play. The team duly responded to the wily veteran’s suggestion and soon our opposition and spectators were treated to the sight of the entire YCAC side with their hands down their pants at every available opportunity! (Please see attached photo for evidence.) Although my hands didn’t feel any warmer as a result of this action a Tokyo Gaijin player later admitted to me that he was slightly unnerved by the thought that the hands of the YCAC players gripping him in a tackle or maul had only seconds before been firmly clamped to those players’ private parts.

Unused to such extreme psychological warfare the Gaijin were clearly rattled and did not to score a point for the remainder of the match. In contrast, lock Siosaia “The Graduate” Fifita and captain “Slow” Joe Fisher, two of the most earnest employers of Marcon’s strategy, were able to waltz through for easy tries. It was almost like the Gaijin didn’t even want to touch these “horny handed sons of toil” (to quote Lord Salisbury).

Hunter Hemingway

The Gents went out firing on all cylinders after watching a very solid performance from the 1s against All Kanagawa (and were helped by not a few of them).

Gents’ line-outs were fairly dire with time to practice only one option – Aran “Two Inches” Delaney – who lived up to his name by being truly unliftable – he must have had lead milkshakes for breakfast or something as the lifters (Yoshio “Nike” Naiki and Matt “Posh Spice” Dimond) consistently failed to get him clear of the plastic grass – come back Massivo, all is forgiven. However Gents’ scrums were spectacular – and surging runs were made by pretty much everyone. Two Inches made up for things in the lineout by scoring Three Tries. Overall there was great enterprise and interplay in the backs, and strong support work in the forwards. Stalwart defensive all around kept the opposition bagelized even though the Beers had more than their fair share of time in our our 22, particularly in the last quarter as dusk fell and the floodlights illuminated the proceedings.

Working out the score was rather a who-dunnit of Agatha Christie-esque proportions. Our excellent Ref (except at keeping score) was not sure exactly how many points we scored, though he helpfully (but tentatively) suggested 24 in the first half and 39 in the second, a grand total of 63 without reply. That seemed to tally roughly with a list of suspects as follows – Aran “Two Inches” Delaney (hat-trick), Kats “Marathon Man” Matsuo (2), Ben “Mellow Fox” Duncan (1), Bill “Kill” Baker (1) Luke “the Nuke” Raimo (1), Ben “Billy Elliott” Patu (1), Arnaud “Mature Big Daddy” Terrien (1) and Sammy “Joe Naulu’s friend” (1 – a spectacular interception). The kicking points seemed to go to Rich “Fabio” Watkins (2 kicks), Matt “Posh Spice” (1 kick) and Kats “Marathon Man” Matsuo (1 kick), the return on conversions being relatively paltry as the phantom ball inflator of Yamate must have paid a visit to the club the night before since the ball again resembled a rock, inflated to about 500 pounds per square inch. The kickers are applying to JRFU for permission to have special steel plates attached to their toes and insteps.

Being Valentine’s Day, it will be surely no surprise to you all to reveal that, before the matches, the two Captains of Vice had been spotted (and overheard) huddling together in the changing room comparing how many love notes they had received on their phones over the weekend, and seem to be intent on a romantic double date in the evening – due to the fact that the All kanagawa players had disappeared, accordingly the Captains of Vice were not seen in the clubhouse afterwards, having scarpered for their appointment with their lucky selections du jour. So the beer session largely focused (appropriately) on the Zenkai Beers. Zenkai Beers motm #7 Yutaka-san could have been described as a Koizumi-lookalike – a wavy haired charismatic, albeit a youthful muscular version. He made an impressive number of line breaks but was eventually hauled down each time – if not first time. Ollie “Girlfriend in Tow(n)” Tetlow was Gents motm on the blindside and arguably kept the run of beer victories going although the spillage seemed rather excessive.

The day epitomised the depth of the club and the depth in spirit, with players happy to turn out for either or both of the YCAC sides in a range of positions and relishing the opportunity to play some open, creative rugby and to complete a defensive shut-out. This in spite of a whole tranche of club stalwarts sacrificing several Sundays at Yamate in order to keep the YCAC end up in SE Asia, where we understand they are at work broadening the fan club in fertile new markets such as Phnom Penh, Jakarta and Bangkok (not unlike Manu and Chelsea who have developed huge fan bases in the region) and giving a whole new generation of hangers-on a taste of what YCAC chaps have to offer, on and off the pitch.

Matt D

YCAC 1st Team
With our Commander and Captain, Joe “Hanging with the old boys” Fisher, off on the over 50’s only rugby tour he left it up to his two Captains of Vice Dean “More injuries than Jonny W” Stallard and Tristan “OMG he dumped me .. ” Fahy to continue the 1st team’s great performance to date.

Groundhog day comes to mind where the YCAC first team players continued to turn up in twos and threes, while the usual Japanese display of warming up 4 hours before kick off and looking the real deal but only delivering an on the pitch display comparable to Ireland ‘s 6 Nations performance the night before. For a representative side they have a bit of work to do but played the game in very good spirit all the same. YCAC set the tone from the start quickly moving into All Kanagawa’s 22 with a number of quick rucks. The movement was finished off nicely with very quick ball and Dean “More injuries than Jonny W” Stallard throwing a cut out pass to Ben “Where is Maui Bro” Patu who quickly passed to Tristan “OMG he dumped me .. ” Fahy who quickly barged over line for the first try. Dean “More injuries than Jonny W” Stallard seemed to feel quite happy about his “lovely” cut out pass but could feel the steely eyes of Ben “Why the F did you cut me out” Duncan staring at him.

The domination continued with Arnaud “Wee Wee” Terrein grabbing a sneaky little intercept and making a dashing run under the posts to suddenly put YCAC 2 tries ahead. It must be noted that the YCAC forwards dominated all the scrums and lineout’s which allowed Stevey “Papa” Grey who was in smashing form, quite literally, to make little work of the All kanagawa back line defense, after picking from the back of the scrum and smashing his way over the line to increase YCAC’s lead.

Just before the 2nd half kick off, Aran “Why do I only have 2 inches” Delaney’s customary comment which we all thought would escape this week, came in exactly on schedule when we needed it most “the top two inches fellas…” which also led to the customary confused faces of the whole team wondering what the hell this actually means! Curiosity killed the cat and I for one wanted to find out exactly what Aran “Why do I only have 2 inches” Delaney meant by his “top two inches” comment. Unfortunately I could find little to explain this philosophical comment, and could only come up with the following descriptions of what Google thought it was:

1. A bloggers site

2. People Power, inspirational training and development website

3. A search engine

4. A direction/ Map website

Not exactly what I would call rugby motivational talk…

Apart from the loss of 1 of 2 captains of Vice, Dean “More injuries than Jonny W” Stallard who was helped off due to a sore lower back, the YCAC troops fought on. There were moments of great play in the 2nd half which looked at YCAC as a team incorporating elements of the “French teams flair”, the “South African teams strength” and the “New Zealand team’s attacking”. In saying this, it was a little less organised then the first half but is to be expected after only the 2nd game of the 2010 season.

Although Joe “Hanging with the old boys” Fisher has highlighted the lack of fitness training the YCAC 1st team has done, the speech he put in with such passion and zest on making the effort for everyone to train in their own time looked liked it had started to pay off ! This was shown through possibly one of the best defensive games the team has performed in the last two seasons with little penalties given away, tempers kept in check and virtually no-one sitting down/flat on their back at half time.

Finally, the game was polished off with a great solo try from Noah “What are those black hairs down there” Pflaum, where clearly his recent generous passing game had caught up with him and wanted to vent some anger! From approximately the half way line, he beat at least 5 players to finish off an outstanding try and top off a well deserved win for YCAC without conceding any points. The tone is set and we are all looking forward to the victories ahead ….

Regards

Hunter Hemingway

Before the match it was agreed between the two captains that the halves would be 40 minutes and that ‘free’ substitutions would be allowed. Given the scoreline it would also look like there was tacit understanding reached between the two teams that tackling would be heavily frowned upon because that is the only way I can explain how 105 points could be scored in a single game under YCAC’s lights in February!

Unfortunately, it was actually just the case that both teams were 100% committed to attacking rugby and that a lot of tries flowed as a result of this. The reason this is unfortunate is that it doesn’t really give me a lot of material to work with for this report. How can you make fun of a YCAC team that played really well? You can’t. It’s kind-of like trying to make fun of Brad Pitt. There’s no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? “Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You’re such a loser.”

However, one thing I noticed from the team sheet “Slow” Joe Fisher put together below is that the make-up of this YCAC team was even more diverse than normal with no fewer than 11 different nationalities taking the field during the match. This made me remember a piece on other nation’s versions of the Haka which did the rounds a few years ago and which I shamefully reproduce here:

Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing the Haka before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own:
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the IRB on the grounds that it is cruel and disrespectful of the national pastime of New Zealand.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory and claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” before being forcibly removed by the Stewards.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called “Saving No8 Lyle”.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering lucrative contracts to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly inefficient manner before buying the ground.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.

One final note before I sign off for this week – I fear I have created a monster with my comments on the Man of the Match drink-offs. Since drawing attention to this issue five weeks ago YCAC has not lost a single drink-off and the margin of victory seems to be increasing each week. After this match Luke “The Eternal MVP” Raimo downed his beverage before his opponent was even half-finished and one could almost detect a hint of sympathy among the YCAC contingent. Almost.

Hunter Hemingway

The tour started with JD, Freezer, Slow Joe and the NightMaher meeting at Tokyo station in the afternoon of Friday 12 February to catch the Narita Express. Things immediately became lively with Slow Joe’s declaration that he would be continuing his stance on not drinking that he has undertaken this season. This came as quite a shock to the NightMaher and the trip out to Narita involved a detailed discussion which touched on issues of sexuality (“You are a homo”), virility (“You are a soft c0ck”) and the difference between mens rea and actus reus (“I don’t care if you don’t drink, I am going to hold you down and pour it down your throat”).

Vicar joined us at Narita airport and the five of us boarded the Friday night flight to Bangkok. The plane ride saw an incredible consumption of alcohol (a trend for plane journeys that was to continue throughout the tour) and was notable for the almost unbelieveable patience of the psychologist from Alabama in front of us who had already been travelling for 24 hours yet somehow managed to put up with us for the entire journey.

We stayed the night at accommodation close to Bangkok airport and were able to catch up with Colin “Zoo” Naughten who kindly brought out a new set of YCAC’s traditional party shirts. Early the next morning we flew to Jakarta where we were joined by Calver (flying straight in from Singapore) and met at the airport by a bus and Franny “The Tranny” Holdaway-Howard, a representative from the rugby section of ISCI, YCAC’s sister club in Jakarta. A short two hour bus ride later we were at our hotel (an opulent Novotel) where we dumped our bags and met up with Rhino and Fossil (who had flown in earlier). After grabbing a quick Chinese lunch (ideal pre-match rugby food) we then got back on the bus for another short two hour ride to ISCI.

Our game against ISCI was 12-a-side with us borrowing some of Jakarta’s Japanese rugby club to fill up our team. The game was reffed by Vicar and played over two 12 minutes halves. It ended as a 5-all draw, setting a precedent for low-scoring matches that was to continue throughout the tour. YCAC’s sole try was scored by one of our Jakarta Japanese imports but Rhino was the star of the show for YCAC at flyhalf. All things considered a draw was probably a pretty good result for us. After playing through a Japanese winter on an artificial field we found switching to humid temperatures and a muddy pitch quite a challenge.

After an aftermatch function with ISCI it was time to get back on the bus to sample Jakarta night-life with our tour guides Franny the Tranny and one-time YCAC player Charles “Chuck” Ball.

Phnom Penh – “Trial by fire”

After a day recovering in Jakarta we flew to Phnom Penh (via Bangkok) on Monday 15 February. We were joined in transit at Bangkok by SS, Bulla Bulla, Wee Willie and Ian the Aussie.

On the morning of Tuesday 16 February we visited the Killing Fields of Choeung Ek and the Toul Sleng Genocide Museum (S-21). In the afternoon we played a 15-a-side match at Phnom Penh’s colossal Old Stadium. Our opponents were the Sisowath Knights, an expat team based in Phnom Penh, although players from the PSE Garudas, one of the other Phnom Penh clubs, joined both teams to make up the numbers. The game was played over four 12 minute quarters with Vicar reffing the first and third quarters and a local Cambodian ref controlling the second and fourth quarters. Despite losing 5-nil we actually played pretty well, creating a number of chances to score but just not being able to finish. Rhino was again in fine form at flyhalf and captain NightMaher led by example.

After the match the Sisowath Knights put on an enjoyable aftermatch function at Sharkeys bar. Unfortunately one tourist enjoyed it rather too much and committed the cardinal sin of oversleeping and being late to breakfast the next morning. His punishment, carried out at Phnom Penh’s famous Foreign Correspondent’s Club, was an ancient rugby test of speed under pressure involving a beer, some toilet paper and a lighter.

Siem Reap – “Pearls before swine”

Continuing our ‘hit and run’ policy of not staying more than two days in any one place we proceeded from the Foreign Correspondent’s Club to Phnom Penh airport and made the short trip to Siem Reap, a tourist town located very close to the Angkor Wat temples. On Thursday 18 February we visited Angkor Wat and, although spectacular, the most interesting part of the day was the vast number of tourists who ignored the temples and instead preferred taking photos of a bunch of rugby players in party shirts and Tui sombreros!

Bangkok – “Not much between despair and ecstasy”

After a couple of days relaxing in Siem Reap we flew back to Bangkok on Friday 19 February for the final part of the tour. At this stage Vicar departed but our ranks were bolstered by Buffalo Butt, Flash, the Stallard-Fahy-Watkins’, Brutus, Crowbar and, last but not least, Masivo (who was on his own “One Night in Bangkok” tour).

After the traditional pre-tournament dinner at the German restaurant YCAC woke up at a reasonable hour on a Saturday morning ready for another crack at the Bangkok 10′s. Unfortunately we opened our 2010 campaign with a 15-7 loss to the Southerners, a Bangkok expat team, with Flash scoring and converting our only try.

We faired better in our next match, gaining a 5-0 victory over XV Gaulois, a French team based in Singapore, courtesy of a try by Noah but we could not get another win in the pool stages, going down 5-0 to St Patricks Exiles, a Sydney club team, in our last match of the day.

On the Sunday we lost our Cup Round of 16 match 7-0 to the Pakuranga Pythons, an Auckland club team and eventual Cup finalists, and then our Plate quarterfinal 14-7 to the Southerners. We actually scored first in this match (with Noah converting his own try) and by virtue of a rule that in case of a draw it is the team that scores first that progresses we were looking good until the Southerners made a break in the final play of the game and we were unable to run them down. With this tournament coming at the end of the tour it was probably always going to be difficult to repeat our success of the previous two years. However, results aside, we still had a great time at the tournament and in Bangkok.

After the traditional game of ‘slaps’ by the pool at our hotel on Sunday afternoon most tourists departed for Bangkok airport to catch the overnight flight back to Tokyo. As might be expected, it was a tired bunch of rugby players who arrived at Narita on the morning of Monday 22 February!

Many thanks to Freezer and JD, our “Lightweight Amateur Tour Organizers”, for all their work in putting everything together and running an unforgettable tour.

Slow Joe

Tour Party
JD (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Freezer (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Rhino (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Fossil (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Calver (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Slow Joe (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
NightMaher (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Vicar (Jakarta / Phnom Penh / Siem Reap)
SS (Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Bulla Bulla (Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Wee Willie (Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Ian the Aussie (Phnom Penh / Siem Reap / Bangkok)
Masivo (Bangkok)
Tight Arse (Bangkok)
Flash (Bangkok)
The Stallard-Fahy-Watkins’ (Bangkok)
Brutus (Bangkok)
Crowbar (Bangkok)

Steve “The Vicar” Lewis wears a number of hats at YCAC – referee, fixtures secretary, sponsor and occasional advisor on Japanese criminal law to name just a few. However, it often seems that the role of pre-match pundit is the one he enjoys the most. For this match his suggestion to “Slow” Joe Fisher was that the opposition would be weak and we should therefore encourage a few of our 1st XV players to skip this game in order to avoid a mismatch. Slow Joe dutifully followed these instructions and told 1st XV superstars like Steve “Big Cuzzy Bro” Gray and Rich “Fabio” Watkins to take the weekend off. When YCAC then found themselves 21-5 down after 20 minutes Vicar’s pre-match analysis was looking like a real dog’s breakfast and Slow Joe tells me was already trying to think of a clever one-liner to serve Vicar after the match was lost. However, 31 unanswered points later it had to be admitted that Vicar’s forecast was spot-on. This was bloody lucky for Slow Joe because the chances of him actually coming up with a clever one-liner are virtually zero.

Don’t let those 31 unanswered points mislead you into thinking that this was an easy match though. YCAC enforcer Erich “Freezer” Friess started the match in perfect health (apart for a raging hangover that had him dry-heaving through most of the warm-up) but finished it with a cut mouth and a golf-ball sized lump above his right eye. And Freezer was not the only guy in the wars. Yasushi “Sushi” Fuji, back in Japan on holiday, suffered an absolutely massive concussion and had to be taken to hospital immediately for a brain scan. Luckily it revealed nothing.

However, despite putting up a good fight, Sunday 31 January 2010 ultimately ended up being a disappointing day for Sanyo rugby. At the same time their ‘A’ team was going down to the YCAC Gents at Yamate, their ‘B’ team (the Sanyo Wild Knights) were on the way to losing the Top League final to Toshiba at Chichibunomiya. This strategy of splitting resources was obviously not a success and I would suggest that Sanyo need to make a choice next year on what they really want to achieve – the Top League crown or a win over YCAC.

“Kill” Bill Baker finished off a great day for YCAC by destroying Sanyo’s best player in the Man of the Match drink-off. I am very pleased to note that since I took over the match reports from Slow Joe four weeks ago and started drawing attention to YCAC’s dismal drink-off performances we have not lost a single one. The new strategy from the YCAC ‘brains trust’, which I thoroughly support, is to ignore entirely deeds on the field when selecting the MVP and simply pick the best piss-sinker present. As such, Kill Bill’s bullocking second-half performance in the midfield was entirely incidental to his receiving the award.

Hunter Hemingway

This was YCAC’s first match against the Reds so we had no idea of how strong they would be. Running out onto the field my first thought was that we were in serious trouble – their kit was immaculate (always a bad sign in my experience), they had several sizeable players (including a few they borrowed from the Microsoft Sharks) and I had played corporate rugby with their fly-half five years ago. In contrast the YCAC side had a decidedly raggard air about it with no meaningful build-up behind it due to a number of players being required to ‘double up’ after a full game against Microsoft. However, as is so often the case with the Gents, the team managed to gel on the field, put together a very creditable performance and ultimately come through and win a tight game.

The Reds were the first team to score but they were not able to convert and when I crashed over from close-range and fullback Noah “Pass-a-lot” Pflaum kicked the conversion YCAC were able to go into the half-time break with the lead. Unfortunately YCAC had to do most of the second half without captain Jason “Kiwi Big C0ck” Dunn who damaged his ribs at the end of one of his big runs. However, YCAC did not let the loss of their leader slow them down and were the first team to strike after half-time when winger “Caviar” Ken Noguchi showed some good gas down the sideline to score an excellent try in the corner. Noah again converted and this took YCAC out to 14-5 lead. However, the Reds struck back with another unconverted try so as the game headed into its final stages it was YCAC holding on to a slim four point lead. Tensions were definitely running high at this point and with YCAC down to 14 men after halfback “Wee” Willie Lapthorn was sin-binned for a stomp on a Reds player who was holding the ball in a ruck it was anyone’s game.

Luckily for YCAC it ended up being ours. The crucial moment came about five minutes from time when flanker Callum “The Kid” Snowball gathered a bouncing ball from a mid-field bomb, found miles of space ahead of him and raced 50 meters to score the match-winning try. The fact that Callum was wearing a jersey from the 2007/08 season did mean that he received a slightly mixed reception from the crowd as he ran back after the try though – I am sure I heard our President call out: “Nice try Snowball, pity about the jersey!” Regardless, Noah was again able to convert and YCAC had the security of going into the final minutes of the game with an 11 point lead. The Reds did actually manage a consolation score in the last play of the game (through one of the borrowed Microsoft players) but the day belonged to YCAC.

The home team capped off a perfect afternoon when Man of the Match Yoshio “Nike” Naiki utterly destroyed his opposite number in the MVP drink-off. It was also interesting to find out during the aftermatch that the Reds are Go “Big Daddy Shadow” Ito’s main team these days. The fact that they weren’t able to get him out for this match actually heartened me – it is not just YCAC who find it difficult to get the Shadow out onto the rugby pitch these days. One presumes that as a member of YCAC’s growing legion of new fathers that Go was busy with diaper duty on this occasion …

Joe

YCAC 1st Team
Sometimes a single incident occurs on a rugby field that is so momentous that all other events of the day fade into insignificance. On Sunday, such a momentous event occurred and has inspired your reporter to record the occasion in poetry.

An Ode to a Prop: “No Bagel for Nike”
Truly a gentle and peaceful man is Naiki Yoshio
So relaxed his nickname should be “Japanese Cuzzy Bro”
Each weekend he loves to play with his chums
And lend his sizeable bulk to rucks, mauls, and scrums
In this idyllic life only one thing is awry
Despite his endeavours Nike just cannot score a try
Each night dreams of bagels haunt him in his sleep
The idea of another tryless season enough to make him weep
But against the Sharks of Microsoft he took a quick tap
And slammed the ball over the line with an audible slap
With this effort YCAC’s comeback did begin
And Nike inspired his team to a memorable win
Like the Roman goddess from whom he inherited his name
This victory ensured Nike’s everlasting fame
Long will the story be told – such a crowd pleaser
No doughnut for Nike: just one for Freezer!

Hunter Hemingway

All Jin Jan (AJJ) are a very strong opponent and a club on the way up. Last year they were the nemesis of our friends the Tokyo Gaijin. AJJ won promotion to 1st Division of Tokyo Cup during the spring whereas the Gaijin were relegated to the 2nd Division in the same tournament. Then in the autumn AJJ won the 1st Division of the Shuto League with the Gaijin finishing up in 2nd place.

So impressive in fact were AJJ that the YCAC ‘brains trust’ of Steve “The Vicar” Lewis and “Slow” Joe Fisher came up with a three-step Machiavellian plan to ensure victory for the home team:

Step 1: Engender complacency in the build-up
Whilst Slow Joe busily stacked the side with as many 1st XV players as he could get his hands on Vicar spent the week reassuring AJJ that they would be playing our Gents team and probably sending them emails along the following lines:
Dear All Jin Jan,
May I call you Jinny? Well, we are really looking forward to you coming to YCAC this Sunday. You are absolutely our favourite team. I only hope that you take it easy on the useless bunch of old-timers I’m going to put out on the field against you!
Love,
Steve

Step 2: Create confusion on the day
AJJ thought the kick-off time was 3 pm. They had been sent emails which said this. The YCAC club thought the kick-off time was 3pm. They had a nicely printed sheet out on the ground that said this. However, at 1:55 pm Vicar and Slow Joe approached the opposition on behalf of the rugby section and argued vigorously that the correct kick-off time was in fact 2 pm and that AJJ and YCAC had got it wrong. The two lawyers used every tactic under the sun and eventually pinned the slightly stunned AJJ down to a 2:15 pm kick-off, meaning that their warm-up time was cut down from (the Japanese-standard) 1 hour to a mere 15 minutes.

Step 3: Break the one sacred rule of Japanese rugby – “Thou shalt not kick penalties”
In Japan, kicking penalties is kind of like having sex with your cousin. It may be very tempting in certain situations and there is no law against it but it is a practice which is very heavily frowned upon. So, when YCAC got a penalty handy to the posts early in the first half and Slow Joe pointed to the posts (with a knowing wink to Vicar) the AJJ side looked positively disgusted. Already in a weakened mental state after being fooled about the strength of their opponent and duped into an early kick-off, this final act of YCAC psychological warfare was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Realizing at this point that they were up against an opponent whose cunning knew no bounds, AJJ submitted to the inevitable …

In an interesting post-script to the match, “Big” Luke Raimo amazingly managed to win the Man of the Match drink-off against his opposite number easily even though Fisher (whose mental energy was clearly spent by this point) gave him the ‘away team’ mug to drink out of.

Hunter Hemingway

I am not a superstitious man but when one of your best players pulls out on the morning of the match due to the shits it can hardly be an auspicious start. Captain Fisher showed me the text message announcing this unfortunate predicament and I think we can all agree that it was the model of succinctness: “Sorry mate have the runs quite badly this morning not going to be able to play today”. Definitely no verbal diarrhea here, only the physical kind …

This match did however see the return to the pitch of Captain of Vice Dean “Comeback Kid” Stallard and fly-half Ben “Billy Elliot” Patu, two YCAC stalwarts who have missed most of the season so far with neck and knee injuries respectively. Patu’s rehabilitation method was through traditional Samoan dance, forming the dance group “Samoan Surprise” with fellow YCAC member Maui “Customer Service” Magele. (Apparently the group’s name came about through Maui’s reaction to his wife’s news that she was pregnant again.) Stallard’s favoured rehabilitation method has not been revealed yet. No doubt he will say it is sex and given that his “room-mate” Tristan “Dean’s Bitch” Fahy has recently been spotted around the offices of Herbert Lewis with a tired expression and a pained walking style this may very well be true. Regardless, these unusual rehabilitation methods obviously worked because both Patu and Stallard played very well in their first matches back, Patu even managing a try and thereby removing himself from an ever-decreasing circle of Holy Bagel contenders – starting to feel lonely Erich? Loose forwards Fisher and Frazer also continued their fine try-scoring form through two more excellent displays of ball-hogging. Fisher’s was particularly spectacular – he simply held onto the ball for so long that everyone else on the pitch decided the simplest thing to do was just award a try so he would finally let go of the bloody thing.

However, despite the best efforts of the home team, New York All Japan could not be denied their victory. A YCAC loss is a fairly rare thing – one club member asked me afterwards if that is the first time the YCAC rugby team has ever lost(?!) – but there is no need for team-wide seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment) over this one. We are still working our way back into fitness after the excesses of the Christmas and New Year break and a little detective work at the aftermatch function revealed that the opposition had plenty of ringers (top university and corporate players even). Given the moniker “New York All Japan” my cunning tactic was to approach each opposition member in turn and read aloud the first three paragraphs of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby*. I had 7 very lively conversations about 20th century American literature (these were the genuine players) and 15 guys quickly waving their hands across their face at me (these were the ringers).

However, there is absolutely no doubt that New York All Japan will get an invitation back to YCAC next season. Not because it was a good game. Not because the beat us and we want revenge. Not because they were good guys. The reason they will get a “please come again” is because they had by far and away the prettiest female supporters of any team we have played in the last few seasons. They were stunners and it made for a fantastic aftermatch, watching the likes of Stallard desperately trying to think of ways to crack on to these girls with their boyfriends/husbands in the same room.

Finally, I am pleased to report that after my report last week raised the issue of our terrible performance in drink-offs so far this season, a champion has finally been found. King, Richard “The Third” annihilated his opponent in a fine display of beer guzzling and I can foresee many more Man of the Match awards coming his way this season, regardless of his performance on the pitch.

Hunter Hemingway

In the week leading up to this fixture most of the pre-match banter centered around the fact that “Big” Luke Raimo was signed up to play for YCAC rather than his employer. However, despite the lively discourse on “Navy love” that this decision prompted, it ended up being a non-issue because Big Luke was called in to work at the last minute on Sunday. Funny that. At least a few of the senior guys from the US Navy team seemed to think it was fairly humorous …

While we missed Big Luke for his playing ability, we certainly didn’t miss him in terms of national diversity as the Septics well and truly dominated the XV that we ended up fielding against the Navy. A YCAC match with 21 Americans (15 Navy, 6 YCAC) must be some kind of record and at the end of the fixture I had to punch myself in the face (hard) to stop telling everyone to “Have a nice day” and wishing them “Good luck with that”.

Make fun of the Navy and Americans. Tick. What’s next? Ah, that’s right, I remember now …

YCAC legend Scott “Five Bellies” Sizemore is definitely entering the Keith Richards “pleased to be here, pleased to be anywhere actually” stage of his career but another excellent performance at hooker proved that he is not quite ready yet to be mounted and hung on the wall of the Breezeway next to Mike “Doddy” Galbraith. In fact, Sizemore was showing a lot more energy than his younger team-mates – Aran “Two Inches” Delaney quickly became too tired to tell anyone to use their “top two inches” (which is unfortunate, because we didn’t) and even Brimman “Brutus” Frazer appeared to be worn out (although that may have been from other exertions – he brought a girl to rugby but quietly informed everyone that the date for which he missed touch on Wednesday was with a different girl). The only guy who didn’t appear tired was the one guy who had an excuse to be – Kats “Marathon Man” Matsuo had run 20 km as training on the morning of the match but still managed to be full of energy for the game. Indeed, it was only Matsuo’s excellent kicking and a couple of second half tries from captain Joe “I spend all pre-match talking about how we need to pass but then never do it myself” Fisher that got YCAC across the line.

After the match, our terrible record in drink-offs continued with our chosen champion Eps “Little Cuzzy Bro” Tuibenau being comprehensively defeated by his Navy opposite. Situations Vacant: Can you sink piss? If so, we want YOU to be the YCAC Man of the Match for the the rest of the season. No rugby ability required.

Hunter Hemingway