Sometimes a single incident occurs on a rugby field that is so momentous that all other events of the day fade into insignificance. On Saturday, such a momentous event occurred and has inspired your reporter to record the event in poetry,
 
An Ode to a Prop: “No Bagel for Freezer”
Truly a quiet and gentle man is Erich Friess
(Except if he drinks – then you must call the Police!)
Each weekend he loves  to play with his chums
And lend his sizeable bulk to rucks, mauls, and scrums
In this idyllic life only one thing is awry
Despite his endeavours Erich just cannot score a try
Each night dreams of bagels haunt him in his sleep
The idea of another tryless season enough to make him weep
But against Minporen surely he could break the drought
As this match was always going to be a rout
And surely enough, in a game with points galore
Freezer at long last managed a solitary score
Taking a pass from his captain when over the line
Erich finally entered the try-scorers shrine
And put to rest his tortured psyche
No doughnut for Freezer: just one for Nike!
 
Joe

YCAC 1sts
A “riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”. Those are the words that Sir Winston Churchill famously used to describe the actions of Russia in 1939. It could equally be used to describe the performances of the YCAC rugby team 80 years later where on a cold spring afternoon, for no particular reason at all, the YCAC 1st XV decided to pull out their best performance of the season to absolutely hammer Nihon Unisys.

How did this happen? Listening to the pre-match banter it was obvious that there had been no en masse swearing off the pleasures of wine, women and song as the normal collection of misdeeds were confessed between stretches. Equally, Nihon Unisys are not a weak side by any means – last year we only beat them 29-22. Finally, this was no YCAC “All Star” team as there were several regular 1st XV members away for this weekend.

However, right from the kick-off everything just clicked and on a day when no-one had a bad game it was actually some of the players standing in for the regulars who shone the brightest …

Rich “Singapore” Watkins: Standing in for fly-half Ben “Angry Fox” Duncan – otherwise engaged as a guest speaker at a JRFU Referee’s Constructive Criticism workshop – Rich ran the backline brilliantly. Also, despite wearing a pair of aqua-coloured football boots which looked like they had come straight out of an adidas “Impossible is Nothing” ad, Rich also kicked very well (both for touch and for points) all day.

Rafi “Ghengis” Khan: Standing in for hooker Dean “Fish” Stallard – busy uploading new pictures onto his iPhone – Rafi’s line-out throwing was extremely accurate on a windy day.

“Big” Luke Raimo: Standing in for loosehead prop Erich “Freezer” Friess – waiting in Ex bar to be joined by “companion” Yasushi “Sushi” Fujii, who was all excited after his competition with The King (see match report below) – Luke had a very good game in both the tight and the loose. He also managed to score two tries, which is actually two more than Erich has managed for the past couple of seasons. (Can anyone smell bagel?)

In addition to these mightly performances, Will “Crowbar” Whetstone deserves a mention for continuing his amazing try-scoring run with another hat-trick. With his deceptive strength and turn of pace, Crowbar has now scored an almost unbelievable 34 tries this season. Of course, the fact that he simply refuses to pass the ball when he is within 40 meters of the opposition line does explain things somewhat. Hence the nickname – this is the tool you need to get the ball from under his arm!

Joe

YCAC Gents
In the battle for supremacy amongst the Western Clubs in Tokyo, the intelligent leadership of the YCAC stalwarts is as always promoted as the reason why we consistently find ourselves at the top of the pile above Crusaders, Tokyo Gaijin and All France. So how can we explain what happened on Sunday? With YCAC Gents fielding an Australian international lock, Captain Fraser “Pea Brain” Jamieson decides that Mike “The Midget” King should be our line out jumper. With Zenkai Beers fielding a 35 stone tight head prop (I kid you not!), YCAC’s usual supply of ball was as infrequent as a Scotsman’s round of drinks and so the Beers had the better of the initial exchanges.

The Beers clearly take their name seriously and are the fattest of opposition that we play all season. As a result, a couple of our speedier backs gained good ground before a speculative pass somehow stuck to the out-stretched fingers of bachelor Chris Mander (raising eyebrows as to exactly what he was doing for so long in the WC before the match and whether he had actually had time to wash his hands before kick-off).

On turning up at YCAC 2 years ago, Epps announced that he was a winger/centre, but it has only taken a couple of seasons for us to recognise his true vocation as a loose head prop. For those wingers of yester-year, can you imagine what it must have felt like for Epps to play his second game at prop against a 35 stone monster. Being the man that he is, not only did he hold his own in the scrum but he also emerged from close quarters to power over the line for a try to give us the lead. Having put his girlfriend “in the Club”, Arnaud demonstrated that he is as quick off the mark on the pitch as in the bedroom by scoring two pacey tries before half-time. Unusually, YCAC owed its 24-10 half-time lead to the dominance of the Backs rather than our traditionally strong forward pack.

The second half started well for YCAC when Fraser broke through and raced for the line with no-one to beat. Unfortunately, he dropped the ball whilst completed unchallenged and will now be required to join Chris for mandatory pre-match WC sessions.

The second half was a see-saw affair and 3 tries by the Beers put them in contention. But with Arnaud racing over for his hat-trick and the elegant 6 foot 8 inch Dixie showing his class to score two late tries, YCAC won a vastly entertaining match 41-27. It was a delight to the spectators’ eyes to see some of our unfitter thirty-somethings desperately trying to run short penalties at the end, thereby incurring the displeasure of Captain Cautious Jamieson who decided to put victory first and belt the ball into touch for the last five minutes.

Who could have believed that a scintillating match could be outdone by the excitement of the Man of the Match Awards when our two Mighty Midgets (Mike King and Sushi) went head to head for a Drink-Off followed by a Measure-Off followed by a Dick-Off. Whilst everyone agreed that Sushi was the winner in the Drink-Off and Mike was the winner in the Measure-Off, only those present will know who won in the decider which really counts: the Dick-Off!

Steve

On a cold and wet first day of Spring in Japan YCAC’s artificial pitch showed one of its merits by allowing the home side to put together an entertaining display of dry-weather rugby in a match which probably would have been cancelled if we still had the old grass pitch.

Although the presence of Spring was not apparent in the weather, there were other tell-tale signs. For example, YCAC’s young charges all had a noticeable spring in their step and it showed on the scoreboard with fullback Chris “The Voice” Mander (23), flanker Will “Crowbar” Whetstone (21), and replacement flanker Callum “The Caucasian” Snowball (16) all touching down during the match. Snowball’s try was particularly spectacular – replacement No. 8 Matt “Magpie” Head started the movement by catching a ball on his own 40 meter line from a kick a Koganei back had skewed kick off the side of his foot. Head drew a defender and passed to prop Daisuke “Silent Assassin” Okada, unmarked on the wing. Okada then took the ball to within 10 meters of the opposition try line before unselfishly feeding inside to Snowball to finish the movement off.

However, inevitably, some of this youthful excitement boiled over and there were tears before bedtime. In this particular case it was Whetstone who got a little too big for his boots and decided it was a wise idea to give both his own captain and the referee stick during the course of the match. Although such behaviour is never a wise course of action, it is particularly unwise when your captain is a lawyer at the firm where you are a vacation student and the referee is the managing partner of the same firm! Even Ben “Angry Fox” Duncan was left shaking his head at such lack of restraint …

In fact, this proved to be a rather difficult match for referee Steve “The Vicar” Lewis who found that the large proportion of 1st team members playing in this fixture gave him considerably more stick than he usually gets from his mild-mannered Gents. A key example of this was when Vicar politely suggested that the YCAC front row of Okada, Rafi “Crusader” Khan and Erich “Freezer” Friess start taking it a bit easier on the (obviously weaker) Koganei pack. The front-row’s response of a push-over try in the next scrum probably wasn’t exactly what Vicar had in mind!

Luckily for Vicar, he was assisted in this match by the world’s biggest touch-judge – Tokyo Gas star Jimmy “Night” Maher. For a man well known for his own occasional volleys at referees when in playing kit NightMaher proved to be a surprisingly calm and erudite (Jimmy – that means well-educated) touch-judge, keeping in constant communication with Vicar and schooling the YCAC players on the finer points of the laws during breaks in play. It was only after the final whistle was blown that the true NightMaher came to the fore again – sculling beer and arm-wrestling against bewildered Koganei players before keeping up his poor run of form on JR line platforms during the trip back into Tokyo.

Joe

SATURDAY 21 FEBRUARY – POOL MATCHES

YCAC 37 Bali 0
Tries: Lance MacDonald, Ian Miller, Jimmy Maher (2), Will Whetstone, Ryan Rogers (2)
Conversions: Will Whetstone
YCAC got their 2009 Bangkok 10′s campaign off to a good start with a relatively easy win against a Bali side with good size but little in the way of pace. The entire YCAC squad got onto the field in this game and Craig “Bulla Bulla Choker” Dunn (elder brother of JD) surprised everyone by taking the field “commando” style – “all nuts, no gruts” as resident fashion guru Jimmy “Nightmaher” Maher put it. The only other notable incident of this match was that the Bali team fielded an adult male silverback gorilla in their starting X. As if this wasn’t enough of a shock it was later revealed that this primate was actually previously known to the Counties duo of Nightmaher and Kane “Cl!t” Hancy – so well known infact that they have previously shaved letters into the gorilla’s hair!

YCAC 41 INSEAD 0
Tries: Jimmy Maher (2), Joe Fisher, Ryan Rogers, Lance MacDonald, Barry Clark, Maui Magele
Conversions: Lance MacDonald, Fraser Jamieson (2)
INSEAD is a global MBA program with campuses in France and Singapore. They were also the 32nd ranked team in this tournament (out of 32) and this match was just as easy as the scoreline suggests it was. INSEAD were clearly trying to bring their studies onto the rugby pitch by assuming an open negotiating position and asking YCAC for leniency on their front row before a single set piece was even put down. The humility displayed by statements such as “Please go easy on us – you will clearly win and this guy has never been in a scrum before” might win some points in the boardroom but against hard-nosed front-rowers like Erich “Freezer” Friess and Dean “Fish” Stallard it didn’t cut much mustard. Sure enough, a scrum was soon set down and the INSEAD virgin front-rower popped out of it clutching a (quickly-swelling) black eye. After this YCAC establishment of a “bottom-line position” the game was pretty much o! ne-way traffic …

YCAC 26 Thailand Legends 7
Tries: Steve Gray, Lance MacDonald, Kane Hancy, Maui Magele
Conversions: Lance MacDonald, Kane Hancy, Leigh Fyfe
This match was billed as the “big” fixture in our pool as the Thailand Legends, basically the Thailand National 7′s team, and YCAC were the top two seeds in the group. In last year’s tournament this same team (playing under the name Thailand Barbarians) had beaten YCAC easily in the quarter-finals on the Cup competition. However, as the Thailand Legends soon found out, it was a vastly different YCAC side they were up against in 2009. In reporting on this match the next day the Bangkok Post wrote that YCAC put in “a good all-round display” and ended up causing “[p]ossibly the biggest surprise of the day [when] the Japanese side from Yokohama (YCAC) emrged top of their Pool after upsetting group favourites Thailand Legends”.

SUNDAY 22 FEBRUARY – KNOCK-OUT MATCHES

Round of 16 – YCAC 47 Bombay Gymkhana 0
Tries: Ryan Rogers (2), Will Whetstone, Maui Magele, Kane Hancy, Lance MacDonald (2)
Conversions: Lance MacDonald, Kane Hancy (5)
In previous years the first match on the Sunday has traditionally been the hardest of the entire weekend. Last year “Wee” Willie Lapthorn memorably scored the same number of tries as he had hours sleep the night before (two) and in prior tournaments it has been a struggle even to get a team on the field. However, after an inspired decision by the organizers of the Bangkok 10′s to push back the starting times on Sunday there were no such hiccups this time around.

Cup Quarter-final – YCAC 5 New Zealand Legends 7
Tries: Jimmy Maher
As the score-sheet reveals, YCAC were knocked out of the tournament by the closest of margins by a committed New Zealand Legends side (essentially a group of club players from the Otago region). After scoring the opening try the NZ Legends went into their shells and started playing very conservative rugby, slowing the play down at every opportunity and kicking the ball into touch from penalties (highly unusual in X’s). YCAC were clearly the better attacking team and if the game had gone on for another five minutes then one senses that we would have come away with the result. However, on this occasion it wasn’t to be and credit should go to the NZ Legends for picking a game plan which suited their strengths and for their gutsy defense throughout the match.

POST-SCRIPT
In terms of the final result of the tournament, the NZ Legends (who quickly recruited the Nightmaher into their ranks) went on to defeat a Singapore Barbarians side featuring YCAC players Rich “Singapore” Watkins, Ryan “Shotgun” Rogers and Matt “Magpie” Head in the Cup semi-finals before being beaten by they Sydney-based Burwood Blues in the Cup final. In terms of YCAC’s performance it is interesting what a difference a year can make. We got knocked out in the Cup quarter-finals last year and were pretty happy because we knew we didn’t really have a team to go much further. In contrast, we got knocked out at the same stage again this year but were gutted because we felt that we still had plenty of rugby left in us. However, despite the slightly disappointing on-field finish, this was still a great tour and credit must go to Fraser “Frugal” Jamieson for all his organization and his excellent work on the kit – individually-named playi! ng jerseys and polos plus a much sought-after “sumo rogering something from the country we are visiting” t-shirt. Simon “Ex Dictatore” Ryan also deserves a mention for fulfilling for the upteenth time the key tour role of off-field general and decision-maker.

YCAC 2009 BANGKOK 10′s SQUAD
Scott “Eavy Itter” Calver
Barry “Gizzajob” Clark
Jason “Hazzajob??” Dunn
Craig “Bulla Bulla Choker” Dunn
“Slow” Joe Fisher
Erich “Albert” Friess
Leigh “Feisty” Fyfe
James “Wendy” Goulstone
Steve “Cuzzy Bro” Gray
Kane “Cl!t” Hancy
Fraser “Frugal” Jamieson
Andy “Willie’s Mate” Kelman
Mike “Kingster” King
“Wee” Willie Lapthorn
Simon “Splinter” Litster
Lance “Two Holes” MacDonald
Maui “Apocalypto” Magele
Jimmy “Nightmaher” Maher
Ian “Gingernuts” Miller
Colin “Zoo” Naughton
Ryan “Shotgun” Rogers
Simon “Ex Dictatore” Ryan
Dean “Fish” Stallard
Jaram “Fag” Welsh
Will “Virgin” Whetstone

With the YCAC 1st Team rubbing who knows what at the Bangkok 10s, the Acorn players were rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of putting out their First Team against YCAC Gents. Acorn had not beaten YCAC for over five years and this was an opportunity they could not resist.

Fortunately, a select group of the Impecunious, the Godly and the Newly-wedded amongst the 1st Team remained in Japan to put up stiff resistance. With the wind blowing vigorously, Capitan Steve Marcon won the toss and elected to play with the elements. The first half saw YCAC dominate with fine tries from flanker-cum-winger Kenji, Arnaud and the Dominator. YCAC’s kicking performance left much to be desired and the only conversion was gained thanks to Frenchman Arnaud squirming his way under the posts as only a Frenchman can do.

Turning round 22-12 ahead, YCAC was soon felled by a sucker-punch from Acorn as the American accent emanating from the mealy-mouth of one of Acorn’s Japanese backs completely confused our two marines who allowed someone they saw as a home-coming compatriot to waft his way beneath the YCAC posts.

Temporarily, YCAC fell apart and two further tries left our boys teetering on the brink at 22-33. However, inspiration was provided by Captain Marcon momentarily confusing his role as “Skipper for the Day” for “Skippy for the Day” as he impersonated a boxing kangaroo to the horror of the Acorn pack. This display of plucky spunk inspired his troops who came roaring back with further tries from Epps and Kenji. With Acorn pinned in their own half, the referee called “last play of the day”. There then followed an amazing passage of play in which Acorn maintained possession for a full five minutes before the plucky YCAC lads capitulated in exhaustion as the lanky Acorn winger dived over in the corner to snatch victory. To add to YCAC’s woes, the Dominator limped from the pitch clutching his injured groin.

YCAC 1sts
In one of their better performances this season, the YCAC 1st XV managed a convincing win over the All Kanagawa representative side.

In the week leading up to the match there were the normal concerns about availability and injury. Sias “Snow Child” Potgieter decided that this was the weekend to hit the white powder (snow rather than cocaine) and was therefore unavailable for this match. Luckily, such is the depth at YCAC at the moment we were able to replace the 6′ 5, 130 kg South African with none other than a Robertson, a surname that has struck fear into the hearts of many YCAC opponents in recent years. However, I can sense your confusion. You are thinking that as good a rugby player as Dougal “The Housewife” Robertson has been for YCAC over most of the last decade we surely haven’t placed this 5′ 8, 70 kg half-back into the engine room of the pack, have we? No, we haven’t lost our minds just yet. The Robertson in question who replaced big Sias for this key encounter was not Dougal but rather the Godfather of Japanese corporate rugby, the 6′ 5, 125 kg Tongan Rob “No Relation to Dougal” Robertson.

Another concern in the week leading up to the match was the injury cloud over Dean “Fish” Stallard, the lynchpin of the YCAC Tight Five. For a number of weeks now Dean has been battling repetitive strain injuries in his thumb (from spending too much time showing people pictures on his iPhone) and his groin (from spending too much time … well, let’s just say the Committee are thinking of renaming him “Rabbit”). However, it is just YCAC’s luck that Stallard hit a bad patch of off-field form leading into this crucial encounter and managed to get just enough (enforced) rest during the week to allow him to take the field on Sunday.

Despite Stallard and Robertson both playing storming games in the YCAC pack it was left, strangely enough, to a Pom in his early forties to provide the mongrel. The ever-young Stephen “Hang Time” Marcon has been a stalwart at lock for the YCAC 1st XV for the past two seasons and often stands out for his excellent lineout skills and his work-rate around the field. However, in this match he added the ability of “enforcer” into his arsenal after playing most of the game through a red mist. Stephen is normally a fairly calm character on the field but after some perceived foul play from the opposition the animal inside him came out and he put forward a very fired up performance.

Outside of the pack, Ryan “Rising Sun” Rogers continued his amazing try-scoring run by dotting down for another hat-trick (taking his tally of tries to 13 from the last 5 games). He also managed to continue his slightly less amazing run of collecting cards (2 yellows and 1 red over the same period). If only the Japanese refs could understand that his misdemeanours are not malicious but just a force of habit – in rugby league you don’t need to use your arms when you tackle …

Joe

YCAC Gents

A wise man once said “When you’re confronted by a bunch of Frenchmen, be sure to have your backs against the wall” and the first half at YCAC was definitely a backs-against-the-wall performance. All week, the All France Team had been pleading lack of numbers in an attempt to lull the YCAC Boys into a false sense of security. But on Sunday, they put in a rampaging first half performance. Whether it was the smell of onions emanating from their stinky mouths or the pong that invariably advances before a group of hairy Frenchmen, the fragrant YCAC Boys found themselves backing away in the face of fierce French feistiness. After conceding an early try, YCAC responded with tries from Aussie Andy Williams and the indomitable Kiwi Captain, JD. The Over 35s Tournament had taken its told in mid-week with the result that there was no one left to kick the conversions. This accounts for the “once-in-a-career” sight of JD on the kickers’ scoring chart.

The second half opened well for YCAC with Epps having progressed from centre to flanker to loose head prop. As all props/hookers will tell you, the progression to the front row is similar to the Ascent to Heaven and the YCAC Boys were in total bliss when Aussie Andy scored a try immediately after half time. The rest of the half was evenly balanced until Mike King found himself two yards from the line with a two-man overlap and one French defender. The temptation to side step or dummy was lessened by the fact that Massivo had avoided the end of season bagel-eating ritual by scoring in the Over 35s Tournament. Consequently, Mike flicked a pass to new Daddy Arnaud who raced over to score between the posts. As everyone knows, Arnaud qualifies for the Midget Club whereas his one-week old son is a monster. Does anyone have a scientific explanation? Or have Sias and Luke been a little too friendly towards Mrs. Arnaud?

Chris Mander scored the final YCAC try before All France broke open another box of garlic which enabled their No 8 to steam through the massed ranks of nose-pinching YCAC players.

Steve

In recent history the fixtures between YCAC and the Tokyo Crusaders have been the biggest matches of the season for each club. However, the build-up for this particular game was considerably more low-key than normal with both teams struggling somewhat for numbers in the week before the match. The Crusaders have apparently not been playing a lot of rugby recently and their playing squad seems to have shrunk as a result. In contrast, YCAC have already had eight matches so far this year but the wear and tear of all this game-time was starting to show through some niggling injuries – particularly an over-abundance of dodgy knees. However, in the end the Crusaders requested that the Gents fixture be cancelled and numbers became a non-issue.

It was sensibly agreed by both clubs that with the Gents match cancelled the 1st XV match should take the Gents (earlier) kick-off slot so as to allow for more drinking time in the bar afterwards. The only problem with this was that no-one thought to inform the referee appointed for the 1st XV match of the change of time and this oversight was only uncovered five minutes before kick-off! With Gents referee Steve “The Vicar” Lewis taking full advantage of his day off by piling into the beers as soon as he arrived at YCAC it was clear that he was in no fit state to step into the breach so both teams were forced to wait until the appointed referee arrived.

When the match did finally kick off – with the referee looking resplendent in his all-pink uniform – it quickly became clear that YCAC were the stronger of the two teams on the pitch. The YCAC pack dominated both the scrums and the line-outs and the backline obviously took full advantage of the good-quality ball they were getting because every single starting member of the backs managed to bag a try! All of the backs played very well but of particular note were wing Ryan “Rising Sun” Rogers (who managed a hat-trick), midfielder Mike “Griffo” Griffin (excellent performance after a few weeks off) and fullback Willie “Mini Me” Lapthorn (great individual try and deserved Man of the Match award).

Joe

After coming through the pool stages with 2 relatively easy wins over
Ellis and Zenkai Beers (26-5 and 15-0), we met Hokkaido Barbarians in
the semi finals of the Cup. They were well prepared this year and had
brought 30 players down with them. In contrast, by this stage our team
was starting to tire with a few succumbed to injury and others the call
back to Tokyo, so we were already looking for new recruits to beef up
our bench. A very tight 7-5 win saw us through to the final and our best
move by far was to negotiate the length of the game from 15mins each way
to 12mins each way – thank you Rhino

Kick off for the final was 6pm and we were playing under floodlights for
the first time. We were up against Waseda Club and they had come through
their semi final with a try in the last minute to win. Watching both
games YCAC looked the favourites going into the final but we were again
several more down, both to further injuries and also curfews – Yoshi who
had been outstanding at number 8 was one of the former with a calf
injury, however when his mate Katsu turned up he said that it may have
been the latter as he apparently had a party to go to a 7pm in Tokyo.
However, some hurried recruitment meant we had enough to take the field.
Waseda also fell for our strong tactic of reducing the game time and
again we played 12 mins each way.

We went one try down which went unconverted and though we had a lot of
possession through good ball from our dominant pack we could not get the
final pass required. However, the pressure finally told and a ball to
Ben from another good scrum on the 22, saw him step inside his man,
brush off a tackle and run through to touch down. A rather late tackler
to Ben after he had touched down, then decided to lie down on the ground
in the exact spot where Ben decided to spear the ball in a post try NFL
type celebration, and unfortunately took full brunt of the ball. The
referee however, would not believe Ben’s explanation of it “just being
an unlucky coincidence”and “wrong place at the wrong time”, and awarded
a penalty to Waseda after the conversion attempt.

The opposition also did not seem to believe Ben’s explanation and
decided to vocalise this with a war scream as they charged towards Ben
during his conversion attempt. Perhaps it worked and unsettled Ben or it
could just have been his 50% kicking ratio on the day – whichever, the
conversion just missed to the left and it was a tied game at 5-5. And
that is where the score was at the final whistle……thanks in part to
some try saving defence on a couple of occasions by YCAC.

It now left everyone studying the rulebook to see how the game was to be
decided. The suggestion of one player from each team stripping naked and
running the length of the field with the winner taking the Cup missed
out by a small vote and extra time sudden death was the decision. The
referee confirmed in the affirmative, Matt’s question do penalties
count? However, the question was irrelevant 4 minutes into sudden death,
when after another well won forward ball and rolling maul into Waseda’s
22, the ball was fed out along the line, with Bill Baker (who just
turned 62 last month) receiving it 5yds out with a man outside him in
space. Even though his body may be old, he proved his brain is not as he
quickly calculated that a 140lbs Waseda winger is a lot less than Bill’s
220lbs, and he ran through him and touched down for the Championship
winning score.

Thanks to all who played or helped out yesterday. It was a long but very
enjoyable day and look forward to making it 4 in a row next year.

Fraser

YCAC 1sts 

The big confrontation is less than an hour away and your unit of fifteen has been cut down to just eleven able-bodied men – Shoeless has succumbed to a leg injury, Cannon and the Dominator are pushing paper behind the front lines and Fish is missing in action. What do you do? Who do you call? The Marines of course. In particular, you call two of the finest from the United States Marine Corps – Jason “Bucket” Buchanan and returning hero “Big” Luke Raimo.

Wait a minute, we were down by four heads and these are only two guys I hear you saying? Well, the answer is that we don’t give nicknames out lightly at YCAC and when we call a man “Big” we really mean it. And so it was that at approximately 14:45 (Japan Standard Time) on the first day of the second month of the two thousand and ninth year Anno Domini the 150 kg colossus “Big” Luke Raimo single-handedly saved the YCAC 1st XV by taking the place of three men and becoming the entire front row by himself!

Given such a platform it was unsurprising that the YCAC scrum and lineout gelled well and dominated the opposition for the entirety of the match. However, even in a forward effort built on teamwork, Daisuke “Silent Assassin” Okada deserves individual praise for his accurate line-out throwing in the face of hurricane-force winds.

With a steady stream of good quality ball coming their way several of the YCAC backs took full advantage. Ben “Silver Fox” Duncan had a busy game, Will “Crowbar” Whetstone was his usual impressive self and produced one moment of brilliance to allow Dougal “The Housewife” Robertson get back onto the score sheet after a long absence.

However, the star of the show in the YCAC backs was definitely Maui “Apocalypto” Magele. The breadth and depth of Maui’s talents is demonstrated by the variety of nicknames which have been bandied about for him. The one we use most often is “Apocalypto”, recognition that with his swarthy complexion and chiselled physique, Maui is surely the YCAC player most likely to win a part in a Mel Gibson movie – despite Mike “Masivo” King’s desperate attempts to replace Joe Pesci in the next Lethal Weapon instalment. Alongside “Apocalypto”, Maui’s huge hits on the rugby field have sometimes led to use of the moniker “Chiropractor”, a title he shares with his countryman Brian Lima, a veteran of an amazing five World Cups for Samoa, and another huge tackler. However, with two kids (and a lovely wife) all before the age of 25, it is clear that the rugby field is not the only place where Maui is quick off the mark and shuns protection of any kind so the Committee are currently mulling over a new nickname for him … “Shotgun”.

Joe

YCAC Gents
I regretfully announce that Vicar has declined to write a match report for this game as he has been informed this week that he is currently under investigation by the IRB Referees Committee concerning the number of Gents matches where the second half goes on for just long enough for YCAC to score the winning try.

Whilst Vicar strenuously denies all allegations of match-fixing he has been advised by his legal team that it would not be prudent to set down anything in writing regarding the match in question at this time.

Nor is he prepared to comment on the try which he awarded to Fraser “Buffalo Butt” Jamieson during the second half which some have called the turning point of the game and others have called a blatant knock-on.

Finally, he absolutely refuses to comment on the try which he awarded to Will “Crowbar” Whetstone which some have called the match-winning score and others have called a blatant push of an opposition player off the ball and deserving of a penalty against YCAC.

Please refer all further queries on this matter to savethevicar@herbertlewis.com.

Joe Fisher
Lead Counsel
Save the Vicar Foundation

YCAC 1sts
Are there any lengths that YCAC’s Holy Trinity of Ryan, Lewis, and Jamieson will not go to in order to ensure success for the club they love so much?

Let’s look at the evidence: Fraser “Buffalo Butt” Jamieson battles on match after match and season after season for YCAC, refusing to retire despite a catalogue of injuries which would have seen him shot years ago if he were a racehorse. Simon “El Presidente” Ryan, currently in his 21st consecutive season for the club, is constantly going beyond the call of duty for his troops, a classic example being the hiring of an Estonian exotic dancer to limber the team up before a Crusaders fixture last season. (Tristan “Own Goal” Fahy still dreams of her.) And now, before this season’s Kurumi fixture, Steve “The Vicar” Lewis took the unprecedented step of organizing a chance for YCAC’s greatest prop (Photo A) to have a motivational session with sumo’s greatest wrestler (Photo B).

Yes, that’s right, Vicar organized for Erich “The Freezer” Friess to go to the sumo on the Friday before the match to first watch Asashoryu in action and then meet the great man in his locker room after his bout and have dinner with him later that night. For proof that this actually happened, click on the following link: http://www.sponichi.co.jp/sports/special/2009sumouhatsu/KFullNormal20090124130_p.html
The main part of the picture is obviously Asashoryu with some of his other fans, but if you check in the left-hand corner we can catch a glimpse of Freezer’s beer gut and see his arm extending to take a picture (of himself strangely enough).

Fired up after his brush with greatness Freezer went on to lead the YCAC forwards to an inspired display against Kurumi. Following right behind was Sias “Potheater” Potgieter who was looking in remarkably good shape considering he has just got back from two and a half weeks in South Africa. Considering that the Potheater dines each night on portions of braii larger than several of the Kurumi backline whenever he is back in the homeland it is amazing that he was clocking in on Sunday at his optimum fighting weight of 131 kgs.

However, even with a focused performance from the YCAC big boys, this match was far from a walkover. In fact, it was an intriguing battle of styles with Kurumi trying to spin the ball wide at every opportunity and YCAC trying everything they could to keep it tight. It is rare to have both teams so diametrically opposed in the type of rugby they wanted to play and this made it a very enjoyable game to play in. In the end, YCAC were able to impose just enough order on the game to see us come away with the win but Kurumi deserve full credit for their tenacious defence and for having the courage to keep trying things for the full length of the match.

Joe

YCAC Gents
The wild men of Tottori made their annual 1,500 kilometre pilgrimage to YCAC on Saturday/Sunday and they don’t come wilder than their inspirational President/Captain/Coach Driver, Neil Smith. Before kick-off, the Tottori Wild Men made it known that they were fielding an ex-international in their ranks. Of course, we all thought that Neil Smith had been blagging them that he had once played an international for the All Blacks, but it transpired that Koyama had a 50 year old ex-Japan international second row playing for them in the scrum.

Injuries had deprived YCAC Gents of many of their traditional heroes: Simon Ryan (hammy), Scott Sizemore (calf) and Fraser Jamieson (thumb print). Desperate times called for desperate measures and so YCAC asked All France for reinforcement. Three of the beret-wearing onion-sellers joined the YCAC scrum. With three Frenchmen in our ranks, the inevitable happened and YCAC’s scrum retreated for the first time in living memory. The forward platform gave Koyama a good base to attack and with the 54 year old Neil Smith leading the charge, it was the YCAC backs who ensured that we went into the half-time break with a slender 14-7 lead.

The inspirational Neil Smith is a reformed character these days: the back-chat borders upon politeness and the foul play was limited to banging our scrum half’s head into the plastic pitch (but these days Neil does it gently and no serious harm was done). Unfortunately, those 54 year old ankles are not used to playing on plastic with the result that Neil was forced to depart at half time. Inevitably, Koyama became dispirited at the loss of their Eminence Gris and the first 15 minutes of the second half saw YCAC dominate and score three quick tries. However, the old War Horse couldn’t simply watch from the side lines and so chopped off the offending ankle and hopped back onto the pitch for the last 5 minutes. The transformation was amazing and Koyama scored three tries in a rousing last 5 minutes.

Hats off to Matt Dimond who scored five out of five conversions to ensure that YCAC finished the match victorious. Taking his hat off is something that Fraser won’t be doing for quite some time: at least not until that thumb print has faded…

Steve